Recently we have started with a new workbook in our Bible study group.- "The mind of Christ" by T.W. Hunt. In the accompanying video that we watched, the author talked about a passage that I was not able to do much with it. James 4:1

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? (NLT)

Especially with the wording in his Bible translation (KJV) "your lusts that are at war in your members" I could not identify at all. Today I read the passage again and tried to find examples from my own life. This was kind of homework from the video, to make a list of your own "lusts". I had a hard time thinking of any lusts or desires that are at war with each other. What are the desires, wishes in my life that create a tension within in me which then cause the opposite of the fruit of the spirit (joy, peace, etc.) in me?
Eventually, one example came up today: I felt torn if I should finish a work job (despite it being Saturday), or if I should work on some private matters, such as working on the chords I need for the worship songs of our bible group. In both cases I had the desire to get done with it. The two desires were in conflict because I could do only one. The recommendation of the author was to act according to Mt 6:33, in order to solve such conflicts -

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. (KJV)
Make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. (NLT)

In this case however, both things were indirectly linked to God's kingdom. None seemed to further God's kingdom more than the other. In both cases my 'lust' was linked to my desire to finish it and get satisfaction and relief out of having the job finished. In the case of work, it might also help to reduce my anxiety that I wont finish before the deadline. The question seemed to end in a draw.

When further pondering the question and praying about it, I came up with a "third" solution (which shouldn't be new to me). I can let go of both desires and listen to the Lord what He has in mind for today. This is the only way to alleviate the tension and receive peace. Mt 6:33 alone did not solve the problem, even though it is generally a good guideline. Unless I interpret "seeking God's kingdom" with "listening to God's voice", independently whether I discern one of the tasks as being more beneficial for God's kingdom. In any case, there is the danger to decide in my own wisdom what serves God's kingdom best. The divine wisdom however, which James describes shortly before Jam 3:17-18, which the author mentioned as well, I will only receive when I listen to this still, small voice. That's something I will never have completely under my belt. Which brings me back to Listening Prayer. (This is a blog entry that I meant to write a long time ago but it has not happened yet.)

When I pondered more about it, I was able to come up with other examples of two contradictory desires / wants / lusts / passions which could be solved by this approach. So, I can only pray: Lord, please help me in these situations to let go of my own desires, and listen well to your voice.

I am reading in 2 Corinthians at the moment. There are all kinds of things that speak to me and seem to be relevant to my situation. Possibly the most important insight happened this week, when I meditated on 2 Cor 6:4.

I patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind.

This sentence is prefaced with the remark that Paul shows in everything that he is a true minister of God. Following this, Paul writes about several kinds of problems which he endured and through it proofed that he is a minister of God. But is this normal? It nearly sounds as if Paul considers it normal to have problems!

This is in stark contrast to what I want to experience - a more or less stress-free and unproblematic life, or at least low stress and less affected by problems than what I experienced, e.g., during the last two years. Already two chapters earlier Paul mentions a whole list of unpleasant adversities that he experienced (2 Cor 4:8-12), and in the first chapter he mentions problems that were really beyond his ability to endure (2 Cor 1:8).

I am wondering how anybody can endure that? I guess the answer is given in 2 Cor 6:7 - "God's power is working in me". This is one of the marks of and a recommendation for a minister of God that Paul mentioned - not to live in our human strength but in the inner strength that comes from God (2 Cor 4:16). Again and again he states - that is why he never gives up (2 Cor 4:1, 16). Wow!

I still find this hard to stomach - does this really mean that we are to consider problems as something normal? I don't like this. I am light-years away from this attitude.

When I wrote the last entry, I was reminded of a quote that has become very important to me about 10 years ago. Since then I have often quoted it and reflected upon it.

"a significant question, that one of our pastoral advisers placed before us (...) will you concentrate on the pain of this broken world experience and resist it, OR will you permit the pain to become an environment in which God can clearly speak to you about matters he deems of ultimate importance? The choice is yours.

(...) It was not a one-timer choice. We made it again and again as time passed. (...) Would we fight the pain or permit it to be the environment in which God speaks? Usually, we chose the latter."

(from "Rebuilding Your Broken World" by Gordon MacDonald)

In view of my last entry, I am wondering if this not a similar principle. Only when we face the pain, God can work on the deeper issues, things that we usually try to fight and medicate with addictive behavior, because we don't like to face them.

We all need security. Some of us more than others. In a talk with a colleague last week I realized how much I am struggling with my present insecurity, incertitude, lack of clarity about the future. I have a hard time not knowing what exactly will happen after July. Of course, there are considerations and plans beyond July, and at the moment nothing speaks against implementing them. But ever so often, when I want to take practical steps in preparation for these plans, I don't have the inner freedom to do so. That really unsettles me. Why does God seem to slow me down? What is there that speaks against realizing these plans? I find this really difficult. During the talk with my colleague I realized how much I am tempted to create securities in other areas, by taking long-term decisions for which it is not the right time. My colleague suggested that maybe God wants to teach me to live in the present moment, and find my security in Him alone, not in clear plans for the future or fixed structures. Probably she is right. But it is not at all easy. To not have these human securities gives me almost physical pain.

The other morning I was reminded of a term I had heard recently - "redemptive suffering". I don't know where I had heard it, except that it was in the context of addictions. The basic idea is that when we can't bear a tension / pain / feeling / problem our tendency is to numb it with a substitute, usually a sort of addiction. Usually we suffer as a consequence from this addiction, e.g., overweight, health problems, hangover, debts, etc. If we refuse to numb our emotions by using these substitutes then we suffer, too. But only this second kind is "redemptive" because it allows God to work at the deeper issues in our lives.

Most likely this is exactly the tension I am experiencing at the moment. I can hardly stand the incertitude. Only when I am ready to endure it with God's help, will I see God at work in my life and experience the results that God had intended.

So, please pray that I will not avoid this (hopefully redemptive) process.

The Agreement
The Father
knocks on my door
He searches a home for his son.

I answer, the rent is low.
"I don't want to rent, I want to buy", says God.
I don't think that I want to sell,
but you can come in and have a look around.

Maybe I can let you have one or two rooms.
"Willingly" says God, "I take the two,
maybe one day you are ready to give me more.
I can wait." says God.

I would love to give you more, but it is difficult.
I need enough room for myself.
"I know" says God, "but I can wait. I like it here."

OK, maybe I can give you one more room.
Actually, I don't need it at the moment.
"Thank you" says God, "I take it. I like it here."

I would love to give you the whole house.
But I am not sure.
"Think about it." says God, "I would not kick you out.
Your house would belong to me and my son would live in it.
Then you would have more space than ever before."

I don't understand this at all.
"I know", says God, "but I can't explain it to you.
You will have to find it out for yourself.
That will only happen, when you leave the whole house to him."

That is very risky, I say.
"Yes" says God, "but trust me."
I am not sure -
I will let you know.
"I can wait" says God, "I like it here."

(author unknown, translation mine)

Since waiting on the Lord is my present "job description" I found the following quote helpful and encouraging:
"While waiting upon God we should continue to gather good data, seek godly counsel, and even begin to take action. God often guides throughout the process as we seek His leadership. As we give God His rightful place in all things He has promised to share His private counsel with us. The Hebrew word sod found in Psalm 25:14 and Proverbs 3:32 can be translated "secret intimate counsel," and it is for those who fear and seek the Lord."
from The Stress Factor: Internal Stress and Making Decisions, by Lee Hotchkiss, in Encouragement, the online magazine, http://www.barnabas.org/magazine.php?release=2007-05&ar_id=9

Over the last months, I have often prayed for clarity and asked others to pray for clarity.
Today I found this interesting quote:

<<When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. "What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity she longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God." >>

(from Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, Harper San Francisco, © 2000, p.5, in John Wile, The Crossroads of Decision, May 2007, Encouragement Online Magazin, http://www.barnabas.org/magazine.php)

I was pondering the question posed in Don't rock the boat. For some time I was aware that the biblical context is more group-oriented than today's culture in Western countries, and therefore I would guess that churches in our countries probably do not as fully grasp what it means to be "the body of Christ" as people from a group-oriented culture. Therefore, I too find it hard to believe that a group-oriented society could be more abusive than an individualistic society.

This morning, when reading in Ephesians 4, I discovered a possible answer to this question:
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. 16 He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.
The church is the body of Christ, he is the head of this group, and he makes it fit together. This group-orientation is important but at the same time God is interested in the individual. We are called to be personally responsible for what we do, and "stand straight" before God, not "bending ourselves" to the group (cf. Leanne Payne). God is there to encounter each of us in a very personal way, interested in bringing out the full potential of the gifts he gave us, and giving us freedom to go our own way, even if it is detrimental to ourselves and the community.
On the other hand it is important to note that "the fullness of the perfect man" can only be reached as a group, not as an individual (Eph 4:13 according to the German Good News Bible. Unfortunately, this is less clear in most English translations.)

So, what does this mean in terms of the original question?
Every group that is not centered on God and has Christ as its head, will most likely make the group to an idol, the harmony in the group top priority, and the statements of the leader sacrosanct. That can work well for some time. At the moment where the individual members are no longer encouraged to listen to their conscience and "stand straight" in responsibility before their Lord and creator, the group dynamic easily becomes dysfunctional and abusive. This principle applies probably to any group – including Christian groups and churches. The individual needs the group, but the group also needs healthy individuals. This won't work if the group becomes more important than the individual, and the group harmony is enforced at the expense of the individual.

One quote that meant a lot to me during the last year: "The powers of darkness fear the one most who is secure in the love of God." (Adela our speaker of last year's Women's Retreat)

How true! And how thankful am I for having grown in this area over the last years. I don't want to even think how much worse the last year would have hit me, had I not had this security in the Lord. God is good! He knows what we can bear and when.

Another quote that points in a similar direction: "Dwelling in the presence of God is spiritual warfare." (possibly from a cassette of Joyce Meyer)

I just came across a "tumblelog". After reading some explanations about it I realized that maybe my blog is really a tumblelog.
See for more information
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tumblelog
http://www.kottke.org/05/10/tumblelogs
I guess, I just did not know that "real" blogs have to be a certain length. Who cares?